For personal use and select distribution only © November 2003 by Amber Miller
PART TWO
Michaela came home that night from the clinic and saw the horses fed and brushed and the beginning of a wood pile by the back door. Brian must have been busy after school. But, when she walked inside, she could hardly believe her eyes.
Sully was helping Colleen cook supper.
Not only that, but he had the hint of a smile on his face, despite the deep concentration it took to season something he couldn't see. Taken back by this unexpected sight, Michaela felt her own spirits rise and the evening at home seemed to hold much more excitement than she had thought it would on her way home.
Later that night, Sully still didn't say much other than to tell her that Cloud Dancing stopped by, but he did wish her good night and slept on his back instead of facing the wall away from her. Things certainly had improved. She would have to seek out Cloud Dancing and thank him. He no doubt only came to help Sully. Although she would have liked to have talked with him, Michaela knew it was important for Sully to have that time alone with his friend. Despite several things she wanted to ask the gifted medicine man, she couldn't begrudge her husband that simple need.
There would always be tomorrow for her own wishes.
* * * * *
One week later, Michaela felt like she had the man she married back again. He was talking more and interacting with the children, and even offered to help her fasten her buttons that morning when she expressed difficulty doing it herself. Sometimes, buttons at the back of a dress had their benefits.
But despite a distinct sense of satisfaction, a feeling of doubt still nagged at Michaela. She didn't want to voice it to Sully for fear that he might misunderstand or overreact and return to how he was when he first returned home. So, she kept it to herself.
Only, some things were easier to hide than others.
Just that morning, she'd awoken and lost the contents of her stomach into the chamber pot by the bed. Michaela did her best to reassure Sully when he asked, but she couldn't even be sure herself.
Even now, another rush of nausea built up inside of her, and she hurried to the outhouse. When she stepped into the fresh air again, she wondered if she had eaten something bad that day. But, everyone else had eaten the same thing. Throughout the day, she didn't have much of an appetite and she'd fought intermittent waves of fatigue in between seeing to her patients. Nothing added up other than the strain of Sully's condition. She hadn't been aware it was causing her that many problems until that moment.
After she returned inside and checked on Colleen and Brian doing their homework in their rooms, Michaela consulted her medical textbooks in an attempt to locate the source of her discomfort. Her eyes scanned page after page until a certain passage stood out.
No, it couldn't be true.Could it? She made a few mental calculations and realized it could very well be possible. As she sat a few moments and allowed the discovery to settle around her, excitement welled within her. The first thing she wanted was to find Sully and tell him the good news. Surely this would make everything right between them again. They'd talked about children just a few weeks ago, and despite her arguments about her age, he remained confident.
Michaela closed the book and headed upstairs, eager to see the smile on Sully's face once she told him. Her eyes adjusted to the darkness and she found Sully sitting cross-legged in front of the crackling fire. With confident and eager steps, she walked toward him. He raised his head when she approached. The anguish on his face made her pause.
"Sully? Is something wrong?"
He expelled a long breath. "I was just sitting here thinking about things. About accepting my circumstances and making that trip to New York to see that doctor..."
"Sully, that's one of the things I wanted to discuss with you."
"Go on," he encouraged.
Michaela lifted her skirts and joined him on the rug. She reached for his hands and caressed his fingers with her own. For several moments, she tried to decide how to begin. Her silence must have worried Sully. He squeezed her hands and silently encouraged her. That forced Michaela to focus on what she wanted to say.
"Sully, I came up here to tell you I don't want you to go to that school in New York."
"What? But just last week, you—"
"I know that's what I said, but I've had a lot of time to think about it, and I've come to the conclusion that I couldn't bear to be apart from you for that long."
She searched his face and watched for his reaction, hoping it would be one step in the right direction toward revealing the other news she had to share. The firelight from the flickering flames danced across his face, casting various areas in shadow and light. Never before had he looked so handsome. Her heart nearly burst with love for him, but she forced herself to remain calm.
"Well, you won't hear any argument from me."
"But, I thought you wanted to go."
"I only agreed because I thought you wanted me to. It sure ain't my idea of fun to go traipsing across the country just to see some doctor, when I got one right here."
Emotion overwhelmed Michaela at his words. "Oh, Sully," she breathed and leaned forward. She almost touched her lips to his when he pulled back a fraction of an inch. That left her confused, but she brushed it aside in the wake of her happiness.
"So, what was the other news you had to tell me?"
Here was her opportunity. Sully had opened the door and provided the way for her to share her good news. Try as she might, Michaela couldn't contain the quiver of excitement that made her voice tremble. "I...we...well, we're..." She couldn't find the words to say what she wanted, so she decided to simply blurt it out. "Sully, we're going to have a baby!" An expulsion of breath followed as relief settled around her. She waited for his reaction, but her announcement was met with nothing but a stone face.
Sully turned his head away from her and stared unseeing into the fire. His left hand released hers as he slid it up and down the leg of his buckskin pants. The agitated action gave Michaela pause. Every moment that passed found Michaela more and more anxious to know what he was thinking.
"Sully, say something. Please."
"What do you want me to say? That I'm excited? That I'm happy to know I'm going to become a blind father? That I won't ever be able to look upon the face of my own child?"
Venom oozed from his words, each question slicing through her heart like his tomahawk split the air when thrown. She almost felt like he had aimed his weapon directly at her, but knew it was his pain talking.
Sully stood abruptly and turned to face her. "Michaela, I've done a lot of thinking this past week. I thought I was doing good, accepting being blind and still trying hard to make it work. I even managed to get the rest of the wood chopped. But this." He gestured vaguely in her direction. "This news only puts everything into perspective."
A hint of fear crept into Michaela's soul at her husband's words. "I don't understand."
"Michaela, I've come to a decision." He paused and took a deep breath. "I can't do this anymore. I've done everything I can to help my eyes heal, followed every medical order you've given and rested as often as I could ... but it's not enough. I can't keep living like this, hoping I'll get better. You and the children deserve more than an incomplete man around the house. You deserve more than an invalid husband who can't even see his own wife and who won't even be able to see his own child. I can't stand the thought of the looks of pity everyone is giving me."
"Sully, I—"
He held up a hand. "No, Michaela. Don't. I mean it. I'm tired of all of this. I want out."
Dread replaced the hint of fear she'd originally felt at his initial words to her. "Sully, what are you saying?"
"I'm saying I can't put you and the children through this. I won't put you through this."
"Are you—"
"I'm leaving, Michaela. I'll go someplace where I won't be a burden to anyone. Where I won't have to live every day with the memory of what I once had and never will again." He turned and walked toward the corner of their bedroom and reached down for the satchel. "And don't try to stop me. I've made up my mind."
He placed one item inside then felt around for his extra shirts and buckskins. Michaela felt the anger rise up inside of her. Indignation at his selfish behavior made her stiffen despite her desire to crumble under the reality of his words. Well, she wouldn't let him go without a fight.
"And what about my mind? Have you made that up too?"
Sully paused.
"You talk about how you can't do this anymore, how you've given up even trying. Well, did you stop and think about how the rest of us felt? Did you even take that into consideration?"
"Michaela—"
"No, Sully. You're not going to interrupt. You had your chance to speak. Now I'm going to take mine." She took a few steps and came to stand in front of him. "I know all of this is hurting you. I know it's tearing you up inside, but don't you think I feel the same way? Don't you think our children feel the same? They've given up time with their friends to help you this past week, doing extra chores and staying out of your way so you wouldn't have to feel them watching you. That hasn't been done out of pity, no matter what you might think. We've done it because we love you and want you to get better."
"But, what if I don't? What then?"
"Then, we'll take that one step at a time and face it together."
"No, Michaela. I can't."
She placed her hands on her hips and glared at him. "Well, I don't know about you, but I didn't pledge my love to you forever only to have you turn tail and run away from the first major problem we've faced in our marriage. I didn't speak those vows lightly, in my mind making plans to hide from the world and feel sorry for myself when things didn't go according to plan." She reached out and rested one hand on his arm. "Sully, this isn't like you. You've stared down the army and faced the prejudices that people have had toward the Cheyenne. You've fought against the injustices of the government and even the foolish laws in order to do what was right. You've taken a stand for what you believe in, even if it meant you might face prison or even death. It's just not like you to run away now. Not when you have so much going for you."
Sully stiffened and anger creased lines in his forehead as he narrowed his eyes. "And what do I have, Michaela? A life of nothing but blackness and the constant memory of a world I will no longer see."
"You don't know that. You could heal any day."
"Or not at all," he ground out.
She nodded. "Yes, that is a possibility, but do you honestly want to risk everything you've worked so hard for on the chance that your eyes might not heal? Do you really want to walk away from your friends and family, from the house you built with your own two hands..." She reached for his hand and placed it over her abdomen. "From the child that now grows inside of me...from us?" she finished in a pain-filled whisper.
His expression softened for a moment, and his head drooped. "Michaela—"
"Sully, don't you see? You have so much more than most people. You have two children who love you, friends who will stand by you no matter what, a beautiful home, a job helping the people you love at the Reservation and the promise of a baby girl or boy to add even more blessing to your life." She lifted his hand and placed it against her cheek. "And you have me."
Sully sighed and closed his eyes, cupping her cheek.
"If you're going to run, I'm going with you. I won't let you do this alone. I love you too much and know I can't possibly survive without you by my side. You're a part of me, Sully." Michaela took a deep breath and released it in a whisper. "Stay." She paused to gather strength. "For me. For our children." She returned his hand to her abdomen again. "For our baby," she whispered.
His breath came out in a ragged and choked release of air. Sully dropped his shoulders. An eternity of silence passed. Michaela could sense he needed this time to work through his feelings. She remained quiet and supportive, by his side. He knew she was there. For now that was enough.
Finally, he spoke.
"Michaela, I'm sorry. You're right. My pride just didn't want to admit it. I do have a lot of reasons to be thankful, and even if it's difficult, I know I can handle it because I have you to help me. You and the children. I just lost my way worrying about being a good father, but—"
She placed a finger over his lips. "But, you're getting ahead of yourself and borrowing trouble where it doesn't exist yet. This baby won't be here for at least seven months. There's plenty of time for us to find a way to help you heal."
A half-grin formed on his lips, the first sign of true happiness she'd seen on his face since he awoke from the injury. "I'm sure glad you didn't follow through with sending me away to that school."
Michaela hesitated before answering, wondering if she should voice her concern. They had been honest up to this point. No sense in holding back anything now. "For a while, I thought you wanted to go so you could get away from all of us here...from me," she finished in a whisper.
Sully released her other hand and raised it to find her face. His palm cupped her cheek in tenderness and love, and she leaned into it. "Michaela, I admit I said some things I shouldn't have said. But, I let my anger get the best of me. Staying away from you is the farthest thing from my mind."
"But, I thought...when you...when you didn't..." She couldn't bring herself to finish, her voice choked with emotion.
Sully stroked her cheek with his thumb. "What is it, Michaela?"
"Well, you haven't...touched me since you returned, and I thought..."
"You thought I didn't want you? Oh, God, Michaela, I'm sorry." His voice came out in a ragged, pain-filled breath, anguish lacing each word. "That wasn't it at all. I stayed away because didn't think you'd want me fumbling and being clumsy. I couldn't be the man you married. Though it took everything I had in me to stay away, I did it for you."
Tears filled Michaela's eyes at his words. "I wish you would have told me." She realized how accusing that sounded, when she hadn't been completely honest with him either. "I wish we would have both told each other how we felt. Then, we wouldn't even be having this conversation."
A smile tugged at the corner of Sully's lips. "But we might not have gotten everything else out in the open either."
Michaela nodded. "This is true." She trailed her fingers down his cheek then lowered her voice to a husky whisper. "Now that we have, why don't we..." she paused to bolster her confidence in order to say what she felt "...do something about it?"
Sully reached up and placed his hand over hers. He swallowed several times before he spoke. Evidence of the inner battle he fought waged in the emotions crossing his face.
"Michaela, I don't know if...I can..." He trailed off, unable to finish as he lowered his head.
Seeing him so hesitant and unsure changed the entire dynamics of his situation. He had always been the initiator when they were alone. Although there had been a time or two when she had taken that role, even when she did, Michaela always felt foolish. How she wished she could know Sully's thoughts—no doubt as much as he wished he could see her.
This was new territory for them both, and an area where she didn't know how to proceed. Her own doubts threatened to overwhelm her as she struggled with what she could say to help her husband. Unable to form words, she simply withdrew her other hand from his to caress his face and brush his hair away from his forehead. He closed his eyes and sighed.
Sully's reaction encouraged her, and she leaned forward to place tiny kisses along his jaw line, moving up to his cheekbones and stopping to kiss each eyelid before continuing upward to his forehead and finally to the injured area above his right eye that bore minimal resemblance to the swollen bruise he had just a week ago.
His warm breath fanned out across her cheek and neck and her body reacted to his nearness. In an uncharacteristic moment of boldness, Michaela reached for the buttons of his shirt and unfastened them one by one. She spread the fabric wide and placed her hands on his bare chest. The rapid rise and fall of his upper body betrayed him. His labored breathing revealed even more.
Michaela reached for Sully's hands and led him to their bed, where she encouraged him to sit then lead back against the headboard and pillows. Joining him, she shifted to his side where she resumed her previous actions.
She explored every inch of his bare skin, then replaced her fingers with her lips and trailed kisses across his shoulders. His throat constricted several times, but she didn't stop. Desire for him overtook the modesty she would normally exhibit and gave her the strength to continue. When she moved lower, Sully inhaled a sharp breath. A moment later, his hands cupped her face and drew her head upward.
"Michaela..." he rasped, his voice thick with emotion.
"What is it, Sully? What's the matter?"
"Nothing, but I...I don't know if we should do this, at least not—"
"Are you telling me you don't want—"
"No, that's not it at all. I...I do, but Michaela, I can't see you." His thumbs moved back and forth across her cheekbones. "I can't see what you're doing—what I'm doing."
She reached up and smoothed back his hair and smiled. "Sully, I know I'm not an expert on the subject, but to the best of my knowledge you don't..." She paused to take a deep breath then lowered her voice. "You don't need your eyes." Michaela covered his hands with hers. "See me with your hands. Feel me with your soul." She slid her hands to rest on his forearms then lowered them to her lap to allow her husband complete freedom.
Sully released a shuddering breath and closed his eyes. Slowly, his hands and fingers probed the curves and features of her face. Michaela also closed her eyes and remained compliant to his exploration. He touched each cheekbone then moved upward to smooth back her hair from her forehead. Next, he brushed his fingers across her eyebrows, eyes, nose and finally her mouth. His feather-light touches traced the outline of her parted lips. Unable to contain her breath, she expelled it in a long quivering sigh.
With inhibitions seemingly quelled, Sully moved his hands from her lips and slid them over her chin and down her neck to lovingly caress her soft skin. Heat rushed to the surface and warmed Michaela from the inside out at his touch. No doubt emboldened by the feel of her flushed skin, Sully ran his hands across her shoulders and down her arms then proceeded to caress the rest of her body, his touch blazing a trail of fire and setting her nerves on full alert.
Fighting hard to control her own desires, but powerless in the wake of her body's reaction, Michaela reached for his hands and positioned his fingers at the top button of her muslin blouse. "I want you to see all of me," she whispered, unable to do more than breathe out those final words.
His entire demeanor changed with her encouragement and gentle guidance. The uncertainty in his expression and body language disappeared, only to be replaced with an eagerness she'd come to anticipate. Sully drew her forward then covered her lips with his. Michaela melted against him as they slid together down on the bed. It might not be the same as it had been between them, but she was certain the difference wouldn't be enjoyed any less.
* * * * *
"So, do you believe me now?" Michaela asked later, her head tucked against his shoulder as they lay snuggled together under the blankets.
Sully's hand moved up and down her right arm in a soft caress while his other cupped her waist. She moved her fingers back and forth across his chest, playing with the sprinkle of hairs that barely covered his skin.
He turned and placed a kiss on top of her head. "It wouldn't do any good to argue."
She kissed the bare skin of his shoulder and smiled. "Good answer," she teased. "Now, why don't we get some sleep? We've got to let your body relax and give it a lot of rest. The less strain, the better."
"And did you realize this before or after you got it in your mind to captivate me with your charms?"
Michaela lowered her eyes as heat suffused her cheeks. "Well, I was never able to give you a proper welcome home. It's been almost a week. I didn't think it would have any detrimental affects on your condition at this point."
"Hmm, I might just have to go away more often," he teased.
She rose up and kissed his lips. "Not if I have anything to say about it."
Sully tightened his hold on her and snuggled down into the bed more. "That's one discussion I look forward to having. But for now, I think I'll take the doctor's advice and get some sleep."
"I think that's an excellent idea." She smiled then smoothed back a lock of hair that had fallen across his forehead. "So, does this mean you've given up the notion to run away?"
"That couldn't be further from my mind, Michaela." A lazy grin formed on his lips. "Besides, I have a crib to build and another rocking horse to make if they're going to be ready in time for our little addition to the family." He felt his way to her abdomen to place a soft kiss there where their baby grew then raised himself on his elbow and reached out to draw her head down to his.
When their lips met, an outpouring of love filled her. The depth of his own love went into his kiss, and Michaela knew they'd be all right. They'd weathered yet another storm, and no matter what the future held, they'd face it together. Tomorrow, they could discuss the last thing on Michaela's mind.
As Sully's lips moved over hers, she prayed he'd be willing to accept the idea.
* * * * *
After an evening of reconciliation and tenderness, Michaela felt surer of her love for Sully than she had in the almost six months they'd been married. Following an encore just before dawn, she awoke wrapped in his arms and revitalized in so many ways. She went to the clinic that morning with a smile on her face and a bounce to her step. Not even a complaining patient or the endless stack of files she had to update could erase her happiness.
When she stopped to visit with Grace and Dorothy for lunch, her two friends noticed the change.
"Things must be improving with Sully," Grace remarked.
"I believe so," Dorothy agreed. "Michaela, there's a flush to your cheeks that hasn't been there for several weeks."
Michaela couldn't deny it, and the women shared a knowing laugh. Her joy spilled over to the task she had assigned herself for that afternoon. With no patients, she could put her full focus on the latest medical text with surgical procedures for cranial hemorrhaging. It had been three years since she'd last performed the surgery, but she was confident she could do it.
She only had to convince Sully it was the best option.
That evening, after the children were in bed, she and Sully snuggled together under the covers. He seemed so at peace and relaxed, so she figured now would be the best time to broach the subject.
"Sully?"
"Hmh?"
"I wanted to suggest something I've been researching for the past few days. But, I'd like you to hear me out before you reply."
He nodded against her shoulder. "All right." His breath fanned across her bare skin, warming her all over.
"You remember last night how I said we had time to figure out ways for you to heal?"
"Yeah."
"Well, I spent the entire afternoon today consulting a new medical textbook I'd received about a month ago with the most recent revisions on cranial hemorrhaging surgery. I thought—"
Sully pulled away and turned her to her back so she could see him. "Wait just a minute, Dr. Quinn," he teased with a grin on his face. "Tell me the content of this book in plain language."
Michaela smiled. "It's the same thing I did for Brian after his fall from the tree."
Sully turned to lie on his back. "So, you're thinking about doing that surgery on me? Is that it?"
"Yes." Michaela didn't see the need to mix her words with anything but the truth.
"Well, there's no sense in asking if you'd thought it all out. I know you have." He paused and appeared to take time to collect his thoughts. "I also know you wouldn't suggest it if you didn't think it was the best option I had." Sully turned to face her. "So, when you gonna start cutting on me?"
Michaela reached out and caressed his cheek. He turned his head and kissed her fingers. "Oh, Sully," she breathed. "I'd like to schedule it as soon as possible. We've already lost a week."
"Day after tomorrow soon enough?"
She nodded. "Yes. That will give me time to notify Grace and Jake that I'll need their assistance, and I'll ask the Reverend to be there with the rest of the town to pray."
"Sounds like you got it all figured out." Sully shifted closer toward her once more and draped his left arm over her waist, his right smoothing back her hair. "Now, how about a little pre-surgery examination?"
Michaela smiled at the suggestive tone then willingly complied with his offer.
* * * * *
Two days later, all preparations had been made for the surgery. The townsfolk were gathered outside on the clinic porch as usual, and Grace and Jake stood ready to assist however she needed. Colleen hadn't been happy about not being asked, but Michaela's rule of no family still applied.
Now, with Grace holding the chloroform soaked cloth near Sully's mouth with one hand and the lamp over the medical book with the other, Michaela looked at Jake and nodded. They were ready to begin.
She touched her fingers to her lips and placed them over Sully's. That would be the last time she'd think of him as her husband. She had to focus on the task at hand and remove herself from the emotions that could cloud her judgment. One wrong move, and she could cause further damage or even...
No, she wouldn't let herself think of that. Not even for a moment.
Michaela inhaled a deep breath and set to work.
Each incision and each step of the surgery became like a walk through the dark woods alone, not knowing what you would encounter along the way, and wondering if you would be the same when you made it to the end. More than once, a tear slipped down her cheek. Grace managed to catch it with a clean handkerchief each time, and Michaela smiled her thanks for her friend's thoughtfulness.
It was difficult enough conducting a surgery under these conditions.Even more difficult when it was your husband.
Finally, after almost two hours, the surgery was complete and Michaela closed up the final stitch and tenderly wrapped Sully's head. She cleaned her instruments and washed her hands then thanked Grace and Jake and stepped toward the front door.
When she opened it, the expectant faces of her friends and family greeted her. Although mentally exhausted due to the emotional strain involved in this particular surgery, she dried her hands on a towel and forced a reassuring smile for those waiting to hear the results.
"The surgery went well, and there were no problems. Hank and Robert E, I will need your assistance to move Sully upstairs to one of the recovery rooms. Now, all we can do is wait."
* * * * *
And wait they did.
Most of the townsfolk returned to their jobs or previous business. Colleen and Brian came in from time to time to sit with Sully so Michaela could rest a little. She refused to leave her husband's side though, and just like when Brian was in that bed, she wouldn't eat either.
Later that afternoon, when the children went out back to Grace's for a light snack, Michaela moved from her chair by the bed and sat next to Sully. She checked the bandages to make sure they were secure and checked the wound for any signs of bleeding. Everything seemed to be fine.
If only Sully would awaken.
Michaela reached out and brushed back the hair from his face. She gazed down at his closed eyes, at the peaceful slant of his lips that showed no discomfort. For that at least, she was thankful. But, the anguish of waiting was starting to take its toll on her.
"Sully, please. Come back to me. You have to come back. I need you. Our baby needs you."
She shifted on the bed to sit behind him and pulled his head onto her lap, cradling him against her. For the longest time, she remained like that, waiting for him to awaken, so would know if the surgery was a success. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he stirred and moaned. A moment later, he relaxed and sighed.
"Sully? Can you hear me?" Michaela ran her fingers through his hair. "It's me, Sully. Michaela. Please, please wake up."
"Michaela?" The words came out slightly slurred and sleep-ridden.
"Can you open your eyes?"
Slowly, each lid rose until she peered down into the cobalt depths of his absent gaze. He squinted, whether out of reflex or need, she couldn't be sure. Sully blinked several times, then his eyes widened. "Michaela, are you wearing something green?"
"Yes, Sully, I...wait a minute, can you see color?"
He raised his head and squinted then sighed with the exertion. Dropping his head back to her lap, he took in a long breath. "A little. I can just make out the outline of your face."
"Sully, that's wonderful! Don't you see what this means? You're eyes are healing. The surgery worked! It won't be long now and you'll be back to full sight."
Sully reached up and cupped her cheek. "Good, because I can't wait to gaze into your beautiful face again. Once I do, I won't take you or my vision for granted ever again."
"You won't have to, Sully."
He smiled. "Nice work, doc."
"I had the best patient," she teased, her fingers playing absently with his hair.
"So, do I get a reward?"
Michaela smiled then shifted so she reclined next to him. "I think I can find something you'll like."
They sank down together on the bed, lost in their embrace. Mindful of their location, they refrained from expressing their full joy and love. That would have to wait until later that night. For now, they enjoyed being together and rejoiced with the knowledge that everything would return to normal very soon.
As normal as possible with a baby on the way.
THE END